Reflections on 11 Years of Marriage

Eleven years ago today I was sitting on a beach in Jamaica doing absolutely nothing. Either that or I was eating jerk chicken. Do you know why? Because it was my honeymoon after being married to Alison on November 23, 2002. This past Friday I celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary in a restaurant surrounded by three small children while my wife and I prayed they wouldn't make a scene, start crying, yelling, or somehow ruining our nice dinner out on the town. My how things change.

My wife and I have seen and experienced a lot in the past 11 years. We've lived in three different apartments, two different cities, and a couple of different houses. We've had several different jobs from being a teacher, a waiter, hostess, entrepreneur, handyman, marketing assistant, claims adjuster, and homemaker. We've been single without money and had children without money. Unfortunately we've never been able to describe ourselves as "with money", (oh well). We've been involved in several different churches and made lots of friends. I've successfully navigated traffic in downtown Chicago without getting in one collision with another driver, (although I used my horn profusely and may or may not have used swear words in traffic).

Lillian, naked.

Our biggest change has been the addition of our three kids. I remember Alison first told me she was pregnant for the first time. Even though we were trying to get pregnant, we still sat there for about 30 minutes in shock as we tried to absorb how our lives were going to change. Boy did they ever! Lillian was born on September 13, 2006. I spent the next six months trying to figure out what it meant to be a dad and how to change a diaper, (something I'd never done before). When the shock wore off and I began to get a little sleep I was struck by how wonderful and amazing it was to be a father.

Annie, 4th birthday

Three years later on October 8, 2009, Annie was born. Annie was as different from Lillian as two girls could be. Where Lillian was extroverted and girly, Annie was introverted, moody, and an incredible mess. Either way it was wonderful to get to know both of them and experience the awesome responsibility and joy that comes with being the dad of little girls. There are a lot of "joys" I could share here, but I'll just give you one: There is a certain age when your kids fit perfectly into your arms with their hands wrapped around your neck. It is a feeling of warmth, love, and tenderness that is unrivaled by any experience money can buy. If a person could bottle that feeling and sell it, I am quite certain they could end wars and political conflicts everywhere. Alas, kids only stay in that stage between the ages of two to three and then they grow into other stages with new and wonderful feelings and experiences.

Speaking of new experiences, Alison and I welcomed our son, Mack Hendley, to the world on August 16, 2011, (I think that's the right date anyways). My wife finally got her "little man" that she could dress up in cute little clothes, (because I have been uncooperative in this department). Mack has been a mess as only little boys can be. He loves airplanes, lawnmowers, and pestering his sisters. He has quite a temper, which drives both Alison and I crazy sometimes. Little boys are definitely different than little girls. (Thank you Captain Obvious). We are holding out hope that Mack will grow into a 6'9 power forward who will get a large contract from the NBA and take care of his parents in their old age, (but we're not holding our breath).

Throughout it all my wife and I have remained together. Alison remains my strength, a refuge from a fallen and evil world, and my best friend. She makes me laugh like no one else can and knows me better than I know myself.  When she hurts, I hurt. When I rejoice, she rejoices. When one laughs, the other does too. Our dreams have become one and the same. When our relationship is healthy, things our great. When we're out of fellowship with one another, life is pretty miserable. I can say without hesitation that we truly have "become one". (See also Genesis 2:24).

This is not to say that life has not been without difficulty. Make no mistake, I am a sinful, selfish, lustful, prideful, angry, stupid, and inconsiderate person. As much as I love her I believe I have hurt Alison more than any other person in her life. And, to a much lesser degree, my wife has her own issues with sin, (though only about .00001 percentage of mine), which have caused problems in our marriage. We have had some tremendous "discussions" and "cordial disagreements" throughout our 11 years. We have definitely gone to bed angry at one another on several occasions. I have made plenty of decisions Alison did not agree with or were just altogether stupid. Marriage is one of God's great magnifying glasses that he uses to expose the sin and evil in your life. If you don't want your selfishness and pride to get exposed, don't ever married. Somehow we have survived each other and all the difficulties of everyday life to come through stronger and more in love with one another.

Us

So how have we done it? I really don't know. Mostly it's because my wife is more stubborn, patient, and forgiving than I am. She has refused, on several occasions, to allow a problem to fester in our lives. She has consistently forgiven me when I didn't deserve it. She has faithfully loved me, even at my worst. Somehow we have been able to cling to each other in our hardest struggles. We have learned to appreciate and enjoy the everyday blessings of life, including good friends, good food, and a little peace and quiet once the kids have gone to bed. More than anything, we have clung to Jesus Christ who enables us to love as he has loved (John 13:34; 15:5). Neither of us has the capacity to love selflessly, walk humbly, and admit when we were wrong. It's only by the grace of God that we have survived and grown through the various seasons of marriage.

I write this to give acknowledgement to my wife for being a wonderful friend and partner through 11 wonderful, tough, challenging, and incredible years. I also write this to acknowledge God, who has taught, corrected, loved, and sustained us through our marriage. We would not be where we are without the one who showed us the meaning of true love. May he be praised. May he grant me many more years together with my best friend. Finally, may he make my children sleep through the night and get along with each other, :). Amen.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another," (1 John 4:10-11).

P.S. Darling, I pray I might continue to grow in Christ so that one day I will consistently live out the verse on my wedding ring, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." And I tell you today the verse I chose for you for our wedding is still true today, "How beautiful and pleasant you are, my beloved, with all your delights," (Song of Solomon 7:6). I love you. - Me.