The most important thing in the...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have come to a monumental conclusion. I have concluded that there is nothing more important than sleep. If you don't have sleep it doesn't matter what sort of wonderful thing or experience you have, you won't be able to enjoy it. For example:

- If you have a 72 inch HD TV with all of the channels, features, and fancy high tech stuff it is going to look no different than an old school tube TV if you're too tired to watch it.

Yes, this is an actual ride at Disney. Don't ask me why. 

- If you go to Disney World and have a park pass that let's you go to all of the wonderful rides in the world, watch an incredible parade and light show, and meet all of the characters, you won't be able to enjoy it because you'll fall asleep on the people mover and that will be the end of that.
- A delicious meal is not enjoyable if you're just going to fall asleep in your mashed potatoes.
- Say you get free tickets to the Super Bowl. Sure, you'll enjoy it for a while, but if you've consistently gotten four hours of sleep how long is it going to be before you seriously think about taking a nap in the bathroom in the third quarter?
- Big house + no sleep = just trying to find a quiet corner to get sleep in your big house.
- Money + no sleep = you spending your money on a huge bed to help you sleep.
- A blue Toyota Tundra, V8, extended cab with a spray on bed liner + no sleep = you falling asleep at the wheel of your perfect truck and ending up dead in a ditch just like your mother worried about.

What mothers fear the most. 

The list could go on and on. I have decided that I am willing to go to Tibet to be a missionary, join the Peace Corps, fight zombies, or work at the DMV if God will just promise me 7-8 solid hours of sleep at night. Yes, I'd even work at the DMV, so you know I'm serious.

How did I reach this conclusion, you might ask? How did I come to the decision that I would forsake all other things in order just to get a few Zs?

The reason is I have small children. Now you single people and/or childless married people, (a pox on your house!), have no idea what I'm talking about. Let me illuminate you.

Each small child that you have mathematically increases the chances you will not sleep at night. If you have one child, there's a 25% chance you won't sleep well. If you have two small children, it jumps up to 50%. If you have three small children, there's a 75% chance you are not sleeping soundly through the night. Throw in an pet dog or cat and it adds 10% to the number. I have three small children and a dog. You do the math. That's an 85% chance I'm having to get up in the night for one reason or another. Translation: I am a very, very tired man.

Now I hear you people without children asking: "What's the problem? I've seen the home page of your blog and your kids look like nice, sweet, and wonderful children. How in the world are they keeping you up at night? How can it be so hard?" I'm glad you asked oh non-believing-childless-person. Let me invite you into my sleepless world at night and give you some reasons why I haven't slept soundly in 8 years:

1. Small children have little to no bladder control. Ergo small children wet the bed. Small children then wake up and want their sheets and undergarments changed. Lesson learned: Don't give small children anything to drink after 2:00 pm.
2. Small children have nightmares. Small children then wake up screaming and unable to go back to sleep. Therefore they keep up their tired parents. Lesson learned: Never let your children watch anything other than G rated movies until they are 17 years old.

Yep, I've gotten punched in the back many times while trying to sleep.

3. Small children are scared of rain and thunder. Do you know what happens when it rains and thunders? Small children want to get in bed with their parents. Do you know what happens when small children get in bed with their parents? See #1 above, (awesome). Small children also move a lot in their sleep, so the parent is bound to get kicked in the back or elbowed in the face. It's like waking up in the middle of a Jackie Chan movie. It's quite peaceful...not. Lesson learned: Pray to God on a nightly basis that he never allows it to rain after 6:00 pm. I'm serious.
4. Small children wake up in the middle of the night FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. My children will wake up, scream out for mommy and daddy as if they're being attacked by the Bogeyman. My wife and I will run into the room ready to fight a pack of ninjas. However, when we bust in the room our child is just sitting there in bed and says, "Hey Mommy, can I get up now?" After learning the small child has no real issues, she/he becomes distraught that she can't simply get out of bed at 3 in the morning. Why they cannot understand this I'll never know. Lesson learned: There's really way to avoid this situation. It's just going to happen sometimes. You will try to go back to sleep but at this point your blood pressure and adrenaline is so elevated either because you thought you were going to have to fend off a monster or because you're so angry at your child for waking up that there's no way in God's green earth you're getting back to sleep. You might as well just stay up and learn Mandarin Chinese or something.

5. Small children get sick...a lot. Adults have lived long enough to develop some immunity to colds, illnesses, coughs, strep through, chickenpox, the flu, bronchitis, etc. One of the joys of raising small children is that you get to experience the development of their immune system with them. This means you will be woken up by your small child at 4 am while he/she throws up, coughs, burns a fever, or develops a million other symptoms that need to be treated before the sun comes up. Lesson learned: Make your children eat 2,000,000,000 grams of Vitamin C a day. 
6. BONUS! Pets can have many of the same issues. Dogs have nightmares. Dogs throw up in the middle of the night. Dogs hate thunder. Dogs wake up for no reason. Dogs get lonely in the middle of the night and want to crawl up next to your face. Lesson learned: If you want a pet, get a turtle or better yet, a pet rock.

So there you go. As a result of these delightful examples, most parents only sleep about 4-6 hours a night. This is why parents of multiple small children look exhausted all the time. This is why I can always look at couples and immediately tell whether or not they have kids. The ones without kids are smiling, look like they've showered recently, and don't look exhausted. The couples with kids usually have beanbags under their eye lids and could easily be mistaken for the living dead.

So I have determined that I would rather have the guarantee of 7-8 sweet, blissful, and uninterrupted sleep each night than all of the tea in China. This is why your grandparents go to bed every night at 6:00 pm. They're just trying to catch up on all the sleep they missed while trying to raise their children. And let me just say I can't wait to be old for this very reason.

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus is out with his disciples and they go out on a boat together. The Bible says that Jesus was very tired and fell asleep in the boat. The remarkable thing is that this happened in the middle of a wild and crazy storm. Everyone is amazed that Jesus could fall asleep in a storm. I think what actually happened is that Jesus had just spent a week at a house with several small children and hadn't slept a wink in a week. A boat in the middle of a hurricane is nothing compared to a house with small children.

So is there a happy ending here? Yes. Once your small children get older and are potty trained, the likelihood of you getting a full night's sleep goes up to 50%. Then again, small children grow up to be teenagers who go out on dates and stay out past their curfew so...I'm not going to get any sleep until I'm 60.

I can't wait to be 60.