Eating out with Children...Lessons Learned

This picture does not equal reality. It's too clean and no one is stressed out.

Last Friday I decided I would like to take my wife out for dinner. It had been a long week for both of us and we could both benefit from a nice dinner together. I thought we could go out somewhere nice, eat a good meal and have some enjoyable conversation together. I wanted the evening to be relaxed and refreshing after a tough week. I love my wife and I was really looking forward to some quality time with her.

The problem was I forgot I had children. Don't ask me how I forgot. I have three of them and I see them every day. I love my children and even when they irritate me it is hard to forget they exist and that they are in my house. I have pictures of my children all over my desk. I also have pictures my children have drawn, colored, or otherwise created that plaster the walls of my cubicle. I am involved in the feeding, clothing, and bathing of my children every day. There is literally no way possible for me to forget that I have children and that they would affect my dinner plans. But I forgot I had children and that children don't do well in restaurants.

Yep, that's more like it. 

For those of you without small children, let me explain. Children don't do nice and quiet at restaurants. Children don't do relaxed at restaurants. Children don't behave, sit still, eat their food properly, or be quiet at restaurants. Children don't allow tired adults who would love to have a quality conversation to sit, relax and have a good meal. Let me illustrate how this played out with my wife and I last week.

Our first mistake was to choose
Olive Garden as our restaurant choice. This may not sound like a nice restaurant to you, but for parents with a limited income our usual idea of eating out is the drive-thru window at Zaxby's, so Olive Garden is a big step up for us. Olive Garden is a nice enough place, but it's too quiet. You know who is not quiet? Small children. Small children do not have inside voices. They only have outside voices that are very loud. So small children tend to draw lots of attention to themselves with their loud outside voices. This makes it very hard to have a conversation at your own table. Even more so small children with loud voices make it very hard for people at other tables to have conversations as well. This is stressful.
Lesson learned: If you go out to eat with small children, pick a place that is loud enough where loud children will get drowned out by the ambient noise. Think construction sites, football stadiums, etc. 

It's almost time for Wheel of Fortune!

Our second mistake was to go to dinner early. We went to dinner right at 5 o'clock. You know who eats dinner that early? Very Old People. I've got nothing against Very Old People. Some of the finest people I've known were Very Old People, (VOPs). One day I'll be a VOP myself, (Lord willing). But the problem is that VOPs like to go to dinner at 4 o'clock in the afternoon. VOP also like quiet dinners where loud children are not making loud noises. Do you know who we sat next to at Olive Garden? Very Old People. Do you know what it's like to try and keep very loud children quiet while they're sitting next to very old people? Just imagine that you're fighting with a raccoon while sitting at your dinner table and trying not to wake up a baby who is sleeping in a crib next to you. That's what it's like eating dinner early with young children while sitting next to VOP. Lesson learned: If you go out to eat with small children, go after 5:30 when the VOP have already gone home and are watching the news.  

Our third mistake was to expect our small children not to act like small children. I know that sounds obvious but like I said, I forgot. For those of you who don't have small children, let me explain what this is like. The following is an actual conversation with our three year old:

Now she wants pizza. 

My wife: "Okay sweetie, they have spaghetti, pizza, or chicken fingers. Which would you like?"
Child: "Spaghetti." (Actually pronounced Pa-sketti by children everywhere)
Wife: "Are you sure?"
Child: "Yes".
Wife: "You don't want pizza? You always want pizza."
Child: "Yes, I want Pa-sketti."
Wife: "If I order spaghetti are you going to eat it?"
Child: "Yes."
Wife: "Ok."

So we order spaghetti. Do you know what happens when the spaghetti arrives? You guessed it!
Child: "I wanted pizza!"
Wife: "I asked if you were sure and you said you wanted spaghetti."
Child: "I don't want pa-sketti anymore. I want pizza."

And there you go. This is not a criticism of my child or in any way an attempt to depict my daughter as rude, whiny, or disrespectful. The fact of the matter is that a three year old has the attention of well...a three year old and her mind changes just as  quickly as you can change the channel on your TV. She DID want spaghetti, 10 minutes ago. However, that was in the past. Three year olds live in the "now" as they say and now she wants pizza.

Not only does my three year old want pizza, but she has what is called "Dinner Gumby Disease." Dinner Gumby Disease, or DGD, as it is known by pediatricians and parents everywhere, is a disease where a child is unable to sit still in their seat at dinner time. Instead they fall all over their seat, lean over the table, and generally bounce around like a rubber band throughout the whole dining experience. Imagine having dinner with Gumby, but only if Gumby was souped up on caffeine and you get the idea.

All that is just my three year old. My two year old boy is a two year old boy. Two year old boys are generally angry, whiny, and irritated. I'm sure it has something to do with hormones, testosterone, etc. But the fact is, medical reason or not, two year old boys are generally angry, fidgety, and easily irritated if they don't get their way, which unfortunately is often. The good news is that two year old boys only act this way about 90% of the time. The other 10% is a breeze.  Well unfortunately we caught my two year old in the 90% phase this evening. Among the things that upset him this evening were: the color of his crayons, his straw not fitting in his drink right, his food, the fact he couldn't sit with his mom, the fact he couldn't sit with his father, his sisters, the bread, his chair, the angle of the curtains, the number 9, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the debt ceiling debate, and the length of his fingernails. (Okay I made some of that up, but you get the point). Every time he got upset or irritated he made loud noises which upset the very old people. All of this was quite stressful. Imagine having dinner with the Incredible Hulk's baby and every time the baby got upset it caused a minor explosion. This is what it's like to deal with a two year old boy. Lesson learned: If you have a two year old boy, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever go out to eat with him. Find a baby sitter for the love of all that is peaceful. 


As politicians love to say, "Let me be clear". I love my children. They are my delight, my love, and the apple of my eyes. If anyone were to ever hurt my children I would hunt them down like the guy in Taken and wipe them out. My children make me laugh and enjoy life in a way that is impossible without children. I thank God every day for the privilege and treasure of being a dad to such wonderful children. Let me be clear again: my kids are good kids. Most of the time they are well-behaved, they listen, and they respond well when they do something they shouldn't. The problem is they are STILL CHILDREN. Lesson learned: Children are going to act like children. If you forget you have children or expect your children not to act like children, you are an imbecile. 

So you can imagine how dinner went. My desire to have a quiet and enjoyable dinner was foiled because I forgot I have children and children act like...children. We came home with pasta sauce on our shirts, stress on our foreheads, and a non peaceful evening experienced. Lesson learned: Don't forget you have children when you are planning to eat out.