Three-Times-Itis

I would like to bring to your attention a very serious problem which affects people everywhere. Parents, teachers, grandparents, and generally anyone who has to deal with young children on a regular basis are aware of this very concerning issue. This problem causes headaches, stress, anxiety, raised voices and bronchitis.[1] I am speaking of course of the problem of children’s inability to hear what adults tell them.

There is no illustration which can adequately show the hearing inability of children. Children literally cannot hear what adults tell them. If you tell a child to go clean their room they will say "okay" and then go run outside in the rain. If you tell a child to come in out of the rain they will look at you, nod their head, and then proceed to pick up the mud they were playing with and eat it. Why? Because they cannot hear or process what adults say. There is nothing with which to compare them. They are unique in their ability to hear what a person has to say and immediately forget what they were just told.

Sure, why not?

For people without children who have never had to try and get a child to cooperate with you, let me give the following example. A recent morning my wife and I were trying to get the kids in the car to go somewhere. We had gotten them up, dressed, and fed, (the morning routine is altogether another topic), and were ready to go. So I said to the children, "Okay guys let's get in the car." I did not stutter. I did not speak in Mandarin Chinese. The children were all within 10 feet of me when I said it. There was no reason for them not to hear and respond to me. A normal human being would respond with "Okay," and then get in the car. For my children there was no response whatsoever. They continued to torment one another, play with their toys, or pet the dog. After noticing my kids did not respond my wife said again "Guys, let's get in the car, we have to go." Perhaps hearing it from the prettier and kinder one of the house would have some effect on the kids, right? No. They continued to act as if they had cotton balls stuck in their ears. Finally, with quite a bit of volume and force I said, "GO GET IN THE CAR!!!" My kids looked up as if this was the first time they'd heard me speak all morning and promptly got in the car. This sort of conversation happens at the dinner table, ("Eat your green beans, please"), at bedtime, ("Go brush your teeth"), or out in public, ("Stop bothering your sister"). In every situation the children appear to have heard words come out of your mouth but it was always translated in their mind as "Continue to do whatever you're doing. Mommy and Daddy just like to say things out loud to themselves for no reason." 

It's not as if children can't hear at all.[2] I don't live with three people who have hearing impediments. If my children were outside and I were to say "Who wants Ice Cream?" then my children would immediately stop what they were doing, rush inside and grab a spoon. If I were in the upstairs bathroom, dropped a heavy bottle on my toe and uttered a curse word my three year old downstairs would rush up and want to know why I was describing the inner workings of sanctified cow manure. Children can hear, but they can only hear certain things.[3] 

It's also not as if my children, or children in general, are disobedient. Certainly kids can be little brats. I know we've all seen "that child" at the mall, grocery store, or parking lot who is throwing a tantrum about not getting what they want.[4] But a child's inability to hear is not related to defiance. That sort of thing, I'm told, happens when the child becomes a teenager. At that point they hear and respond with "NO, I HATE YOU AND YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"[5] No, a child’s lack of hearing is not related to disobedience. Younger children generally want to be liked and loved by their parents and do not like getting in trouble. It is not necessarily that they don’t want to hear, but they can’t.

Researching Three-times-itis, I think.

So what is the reason why children can’t or won’t hear? It is not because of a disobedience and it is not because of a buildup of wax in their ears. The truth is of the matter is young children have a unique medical condition called Three-times-itis. Three-times-itis is the condition where younger children have to be told something three times before they will hear and respond. A child will not hear and respond the first two times they are told something. It takes the third time of giving instruction before a child will hear what a parent or any person of authority is saying. Thus the saying, “three times the charm”. See the previously used example of trying to get my kids in the car. The third time I said “Get in the car” worked.[6] My children were and are simply suffering from Threetimesitis.

No one knows exactly where Threetimesitis came from. Researchers[7] have shown Threetimesitis is a genetic condition which all children are born with, though some scientists believe Jell-O is to blame.[8] Threetimesitis generally begins around age two and children grow out of it around age seven or eight. Girls are typically faster to grow out of Threetimesitis than boys, but boys will ultimately grow out of Threetimesitis as well.[9] There is no known cure for the condition. It is simply something parents must endure, like winter, the Flu and Hockey season. It is believed children suffering from the condition will respond somewhat more favorably to grandparents, but research has shown this depends on the amount of spoiling the grandparent in question provides on a regular basis.

So how do you, as a concerned parent, teacher, grandparent, or daycare worker deal with children suffering from this horrible and frustrating medical condition? I’m glad you asked. Dr. Travis is here to help with a few helpful steps.

1. Get used to saying things three times in a row to your children. No matter what the circumstance, time of day, season, or how responsive your children have been for the last five minutes. Just accept you’re going to have to give every instruction three times in a row. Don’t wait for your children to ignore what you’re saying. Just go ahead and say “Put the dog down, put the dog down, put the dog down,” and your child will respond. It’s better if you just go ahead and say it three times and save yourself the time and trouble.
2. It’s helpful for you, the parent, if you limit your instructions to short phrases. This will save you from stress and from using too many words. For example, don’t say “Stop what you’re doing and go clean your room this instant” three times. You’ll just wear yourself out. Just say “Stopit-stopit-stopit”, “No-no-no”, or “Comehere-comehere-comehere”. Once you have your child’s attention through short phrases you are more likely to get them to do what you want.[10]
3. Don’t get frustrated when you have to keep repeating yourself three times. Just accept that your child has a genuine medical condition and they can’t help themselves. Getting mad at your children for not hearing the first two times is like getting mad at water for being wet. Getting mad will only cause you to be stressed out and yell at your children. Then they’ll cry and you’ll feel awful. Accept there are things you cannot control like Threetimesitis, the wind and five o’clock traffic. Acceptance is the first step to healing.
4. Another option is to start each instruction or command with a trick word like “Ice cream”, “Money”, or any curse word and then go on to give your command. These trick words are magically able to stick in your child’s brain and draw their attention. Example, “Ice cream, please finish your broccoli,” or “Who wants some money? Clean your room please,” or “Son of a female canine, would you stop hitting your sister.” I would suggest against using this method. For one thing, your children’s medical condition will cause them to quickly adapt and they will ultimately stop responding to your trick words. Secondly, if you use curse words DSS will eventually come calling and you’ll have to do a lot of explaining and it may just get awkward for everyone involved. NOTE: if you use the curse word method I am not responsible if you get arrested.
5. Don’t use the repeat method around adults, just children. This can be difficult as you spend a great deal of your time with the genetically affected people known as your children and you get in a habit of repeating yourself. You have to be careful though because you don’t want to be at a dinner party and say, “Can you please pass the salt” three times in a row. You’ll look weird to other people, except other parents who will just nod their head in understanding.

Lastly, don’t give up hope. You are not alone in your struggle with these little people who can’t remember or hear what you say to them. There are billions of people all over the world who are suffering with you. Just keep going and one day your children will grow out of it. Then they’ll turn into teenagers, but that’s another condition altogether.

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[1] Well, everything but the Bronchitis part is true.

[2] We’ve had them checked.

[3] Like bad words, money, Disney World and ice cream

[4] I may or may not admit to being the parent of “that child” from time to time.

[5] Which is why when my kids are the ages of 13-18 I will be getting 4 additional jobs and will never be at home. Sorry honey.

[6] That and a little volume.

[7] What researchers you ask? Well I’m not telling you…but I promise they’re real.

[8] But those are also the scientist who believe in the Loch Ness monster, so take it with a grain of salt.

[9] I hope.

[10] Though there are no guarantees.