I almost had a nervous breakdown after my first child was born. Seriously. Several factors influenced this. I don't respond to change well. Being away from my own bed for more than 2-3 days gets me off kilter. I need at least 7 hours of sleep a night and if I don't get it, I'm highly unpleasant and smell funny. I also love spending quiet evenings with my wife doing absolutely nothing. So you can imagine that if you add a baby into the mix that it would not suit me very well and lead to some spiritual and emotional challenges.
Don't get me wrong, I was excited about the arrival of my daughter and it wasn't like she was an accident. We planned to have a baby and obviously were successful in producing one. The issue with me was I came to the frightening understanding that I had no idea how to be a father or be faithful to the responsibilities therein. I was especially nervous of being a dad to a little girl. You see, I'm a guy. I grew up with guys. I had a mom, but she didn't count because moms are well...moms. Around the dinner table at our house we didn't talk about girl stuff. Mostly we grunted, talked about sports, or my brother and I made fun of our parents and one another amid the devouring of large portions of meat. There was no discussion about how we felt, what clothes we liked, or who was the cutest Disney Princess. Needless to say, the idea of taking care of and understanding a tiny female was really daunting. Plus I had no clue how a woman's plumbing worked, so when it came time to change my daughter's diaper, I was really freaked out.
My relationship with my wife changed dramatically, too. Her body was doing things it had never done before and wasn't doing things it had done previously. The doctor's told us that there was to be no “pelvic activity” for at least 6 weeks. So besides dancing the tango, mountain climbing, and jumping on the trampoline, there were other activities that she and I were not doing together as usual. Emotionally, things were REALLY different. She was focused, appropriately, on our baby girl, trying to get her settled in, to eat, sleep, and poop on a schedule. Meantime, the free time we used to spend talking, watching movies, or going out together was spent cleaning, wiping, feeding, eating leftovers, and generally trying to catch a nap whenever we could. Things were different on so many levels and I was not handling it well.
Six months after my daughter arrived I got really stressed out and just lost it. I didn't say anything to my wife, I just walked out of the house one night while she was sleeping and just kept walking. I was gone for about two hours just walking around various neighborhoods praying and thinking and freaking out. I didn't know how my relationship with my wife would ever be the same. I was STILL confused about how to change a girl's diaper, and to be a dad. I was begging the Lord to help me get through this. I didn't think I could make it on my own.
The story has a happy ending. Soon after I lost my mind my wife and I had a long talk and we began to work things out. The Lord provided me with the grace I needed to begin learning how to be a dad. The Lord also helped my wife and I adjust to being married WITH children, (as the saying goes). Yes our relationship had to change, but it changed for the better. I began to love her not only for being my best friend and wife, but also for her amazing inherent ability to be a mom. Then my daughter started developing her own little personality, smiling, walking, and just being incredibly adorable and my heart, which hated change, began to melt with love and adoration.
What's the lesson here? If you're expecting a newborn or just had a newborn, be sure to talk, talk, and talk some more. Talk before the baby arrives and talk after the baby arrives. (It may not necessarily be the smartest move to talk while the baby is arriving and your wife is hanging on for dear life and is screaming about how much you don't understand the pain she is going through...but I digress). Regardless, communication is key. You need to make sure you talk about what you're thinking and feeling. Talk about your expectations for life with a newborn. Talk about your concerns about how it's going to change your life and marriage. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.
Just as important it is for you to talk to your spouse, you need to talk to the Lord even more. Having kids is like getting married. It's a great way for the Lord to show you that you don't have a clue and that you are inadequate to handle life on your own. Paul wrote about the persecution he endured at one point of his life in the second letter to the Corinthians saying, “But that was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God who raises the dead,” (2 Cor. 1:9). God is able to get you through the major life changes you face, but you have to learn how to rely not on yourself, but on the life provided through Christ. So pray, pray, pray, and depend, depend, depend on God and he will give the grace needed.
If you are able to successfully communicate throughout the changes that come your way, and learn not to rely on yourself, but to seek the grace and strength of the Lord, you might be able to avoid losing your mind and wandering aimlessly around random neighborhoods at 1:00 in the morning.
God is good, I'm now on my third, and final, child.
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